Regret no end. I hope u will forgive me.

Hello minna..
Assalamualaikum..

Dunno what to say.. just wanna write something..
Actually right now i remember of him.. Not so deep just a flash, but what i'd done to him is very deep...
Myb due to du'a, i keep praying that he's go away from my mind and yess my wish happened as i requested.. he's just fade n become fade until its not haunted me like a past .

What i did?
Yes, i did bad to him.. and felt so wrong..
Since im still kid at that time, i dunno it's wrong and lead him to get involved with me..
And i never yet to say sorry to him but keep praying forgoting the past!!
Mean i just want to forget about him and run away..
So pathetic am I ? So cruel? So corward right?

Yes, im so corward .
Its shame for me to throwback or talk back about it.
If i face to face with him and talk about it, how awkward it will be.. then no wayy right.. its very muzukashiii. T_T.

Y im not thinking this in the past?
I should du'a for him to be a better person..
Because what im so afraid is, the incident from the past will turn him become a bad person.. oh no im so scared of that.. so that, i decide to forgot him right away.. i dont want to remember at all .
I shouldnt decide like that right?
No, it just not right..

After 20 years or more myb..?
Now im 26..
He? I'm not sure myb 2 years younger than me?
Primary school, secondary school, univesity life and working life.. all these phase i gone through, now he's coming back in my mind-- after a long time..
I never meet him after i moved out from there..
Last i met him is during i was 9 years old .
But within  the time after the incident and the last day before i moved out, we act just like  a buddy where its nothing happened..
But since we grow up and seperated, i remembered about that incident and awareness came to tell me its wrong..

Its very wrong... That i feel i never forgive myself..
So i keep praying since then.. he was always in my du'a to be forgoten. So bad of me right?
He's do nothing wrong, but do to my selfishness, im the bad one..
I wanna say sorry to him very bad..
But still i wish he forgot about it and please dont remember about it ok??- so that i didnt have to meet him tos say sorry.. right?

So is he able to forget since i cant?
I dunno.. high probability he's remember
Then, i hope we didnt meet each other.. im so afraid he become the bad one due to incident in the past..
Because since we grow up, we will understand its wrong.. and teen is the influence stage the we become easily effect by emotion..
Im afraid those emotion u felt, turn u into jerk or bad person..
Damnn! I should du'a  for u so Allah can protect u by prevent u do the bad thing..
Still i dunno what u doing right now, n how r u?
Maybe u become a better person? Who'll knows..

But, after decades i just notice about my wrong content du'a for u..
As ussual im so late huh..
There 're still have a chance to put ur name into my du'a back after along time ago ur name is missing since i forget about u.?
Hmm.. myb i dont want do that because it will make me remember u strongly.. huhu
Ok, just if u flash in my mind, i will keep praying from battom of my here " ya Allah, makes him a better person and hope he will forgive me to my wrongdoing". Amiinn.

Due to shame i felt, i really dont want meet u... please dont appear infront of me.. im can't bare to face u again.. nooo..
Otherwise, if its happen.. its myb destiny..
I still dunno what should i do.. just silent or open up about it?
Just imagine about it, i feel so awkward..


P/s: say sorry when u doing wrong..

Fresh graduated. Pengalaman dunia kerja 2019..

Hollaaa. Assalamualaikum minna. 

Wahh. Dah lama tak melawat blog ni.. 

Makan setahun eh?

Haha.. aduuhh.. 

Last post pasal awal 2019..

Now 2020 dah..

Hmmm tu lah sebab sibuk benar aku ni pada 2019, sampai blog pun tak pernah jenguk..huhu..

Tapi apa pun bila aku rasa something nk tulis baru aku singgah sini kan.. hehe..

Ate nama nya blog.. suka hatilah nak coret apa pun kan.. bila ase kesunyian n nak menaip ni lah baeu ada masa nak singgah . Hehe..

Aku pun dah lama x layan tenet2 ni sejak bz kejaa... Nak baca blog apatah lagi.. juz aku sempat layan anime apss tonton korea tu jer lahh... Video2 jer sume.. tulisan2 ni da jarang baca... 

Social media pun jarang dah aktif.. orang dah meningkat usia.. huhu . 

Well, last aq story pasal iv aq yg second tu kan.. 

Well 3 minggu jer aq tahan wat kerja tu.. 

Rupanya itu direct selling... Tapi tu list kat jobstreet description tu as brand ambassador... 

Jawatan mcm retis gituu.. ye lahh.. retis jer slalu jadi BA kan.. 

Tp untuk org mcm biasa ni.. lebih kpd direct selling.. 

N, y aku berhenti.. sebab tak kena ngan jiwa.. 

Bukan jiwa aku berjalan satu kawasan cari orang mintak derma sin bagai.. hmm.. 

Tapi apa pun satu pengalaman berharga.. 

Ada lah jugak hasil . 

Lepas da lama aku berhenti ni.. Perasan gak ramai kat status fb ada complain ckp job scope/offer kejer camni menipu lah apa .. tp bagi aku tidak.. 

Well, company ni based on hardworking.. kalau kerja ada hasil rezeki kau lah.. kalau takder nasib.. dia bagai kais pagi makan pagi kais petang makan petang.. kau kerja lebih dapat lebihh.. macam niaga .

So, no basic sebab dia bergantung pada hasil kau dapat.. mungkin ni salah satu sebab aku berhenti.. 

Sebab aku tak brapa nak hardworking, sebab aku lebih prefer makan basic.. hahah.

Slama aku kerja tiga minggu tu ada satu minggu tu paling byk dapat RmM400++.. lain2 minggu cam dapat 200++ .. so x tentu lah pendapatan..

Huh, lupa nak ckp, gaji is mingguan.. so tiap2 minggu masuk akaun.. 

So sebab tu aku cakap, company bukan menipu, dia akan tetap banyar gaji ko kalau kau dapat hasil.. So, kalau ko jenis yg hardworking n lucky memang ko boleh bertahan ngan kerja ni.. 

Tapi bg aku, ni bukan rezeki aku nak lelama kat situ..  so aku move on..

Lagi satu, yg tak best ya diorang ikut group company ni tiap2 minggu akan buat friday night ker thursday night ker x ingat.. so, ada lah aktiviti bowling ker movie or lepak bar...

Yer.. ni company pertama yg buat aku jejak bar atas nama gathering..

Babe, aku islam.. n aku tengok rakan kerja yg islam pun lepak situ, ada yg islam guy selamba jer minum arak depan aku.. 

Shit.. tapi yg Chinese respect kami  yg x minum arak, xder lah paksa ker apa.. just kami lepak2 situ.. be more open session.. luahkan apa dalam hati....

Ada lah afee kami girls Islam bertudung dalam bar tu.. since aku baru, aku tengok muka senior yg bertudung tu biasa jer dok dlam bar. Aku pulak yg rasa serba salah.. hmm.

Pengalaman2.. 

Well, kerja macam tu- direct selling kan stress.. so dorang kena ada satu masa luahkan smua, release stress.. sebab tu kena ada satu malam untuk lakukan semua tu.. bowling n movie aku terima lagi.. bab lepak bar? Memang susah aku nak terima.. bak kata leader Chinese aku ni, dorang minum2 tu lah saat mereka akan jadi diri sendiri, and akan luahkan segalanya. Diorang nak beremosi menangis, marah, time tu lah yg sesuai...

So.. memang logik si amoi Chinese ni cakap.. tp memang salah lah dalam Islam nak minum arak kan.. hahah.. so, cara kita (Islam n Kafir ) memang berbeza..

Memang pengalaman yg tak boleg aku lupakan.. even 3 minggu jer pengalaman.. memang Rare n berharga sangat experience ni.. memang tak terfikir langsung lah akan terjebak..  haha.. 

Well, after aku berhenti, cari kerja lain lah.. aku dapat dalam bidang tele-marketing pulak.. weyhh adoii.. memang aku tak terlepas dari kerja nak promote orang barang jer eh.. yg tele-marketing ni kerja promote insurans melalui phone.. ok lah kerja ni.. slalu gak dapat habuan sebab dorang slalu buat game, either dapat duit or balik awal kalau capat target sales.. n aku penah a few of times daapt balik awal.. dapat duit or menang challanges.. haha.. btw, habuan /isentif ni sume adah strategi leaders untuk bg sume dapat sales, tak usik langsung duit customer ker apa.. its initiative manager or hadiah dr company utk motivate us utk buat banyak sales.. mula2 kerja memang rasa nak berhenti jer.. ye lahh.. tiap2 hari kena tekan dah rasa tiap2 hari macam kat medan perang nak dapatkan sales.. well, lama2 dah biasa, rasa macam tak senang jer kalau satu hari tak dapat sales.. huhu.. So.. here 6 bulan aku bertahann.. hahah.. bulan terakhir, finnally, dapat gak komisyen sebab sistem komisyen baru diperkenalkan.. slama ni susah benar nak achieve komisyen..  komisyen n isentif lain tau.. asing2 money tu.. n yeah.. pendapatan aku dapat lebih sikit lah dgn job ni.. 

Aku berhenti job tu after 6 bulan kerja.. actually, memang da takder hati dah nak buat sales ni.. penat even environment ok n gaji pun ok.. Tapi kalau time x dapat sales tu lah sakit kena bebel or jerit ngan leaders sume.. Tapi sebenarnya aku dari awal takder hati pun ngan kerja ni.. manager aku pernah tanya target sales aku brapa.. aku jawab.." bg nilai target paling sikit even pada bulan sebelumnya aku dapat byk sales dr aku yg sebutkan tu  n aku tambah "kalau ada adalah".. dengan slambanya aku jawab camtu.. hahaha.. member lain sume terkejut.. sebab dorang akan bg jawapan fix dgn number.. n aku pulak jawab acuh tak acuh..  

Haha, tp kan aku tahu diorang aim tinggi gak kat aku sebab dorang leaders n manager tahu aku boleh buat sales.. walaupun tak secemerlang Top 10.. Aku ni adalah dalam top 20.. myb.. aku lupa.. kalau ada pape games yg special case sikit mesti aku di include kan (even budak baru)..

Ada satu hari tu, sales slow sikit.. ramai x dapat sales lagi.. so da petang tu sape x dpt sales lagi kena masuk bilik meeting , apa lagi kami sume  kena kaunseling lah.. pastu di ty sorang2 target memasing.. a few leaders n manager dlm bilik tu dok ty n catat masing2  kat whiteboard..  yg lain mostly bagi target dorang rasa n yakin akan dapat lepas kuar dr bilik meeting tu.. sampai turn aku nak jwb, aku  teragak2  nak bg sebab masa tu aku pk, "boleh tak saya taknak bg apa2 target" lama sgt aku nak bg jawapan finally skip turn aku n org lain jawab dlu... yg peliknya ramai lak bg target besar2.. aiyaa... Dalam majoriti tu, akhirnya aq bagi lah number yg common rendah, yg leader yg dok catat ni terkejut sentak.. ty- " lagi.". ? Aku jawab "tu jer"..

Pastu manager aku sahut.. "takper"---  (mcm agak aku ni xder konfiden nak jwb tp mcm tahu jer aku boleh buat lebih).. so lepas aku kuar bilik meeting tu finnaly.. aku achieve lebih dr apa yg mention kat bilik meeting td.. hahah..adoii.

So conclusion nya, aku ni kerja situ takder lah tension sgt nak pk sales ada ker tak, tpi santai jer sebab tak kisah dgn tekanan yg ditekan.. hahah.. sebab dalam otak aku pk nak berhenti jer.. Cuma tu lah bila dah slalu buat sales, stress pulak kalau ada hari tak dapat sale.. hahah. Rasa kosong jer x dapat sale.. hahah. Dah dapat satu nak lebih..  sebelum rehat dah dpt sale, lepas rehat  kalau tak dapat sale rasa kosong gak.. hahaha.. ni penangan bila da slalu buat sale kan.. hahaha.. and, akhirnya aku berhenti gak after 6 bulan aku kerja..  harsat dari bulan ke brapa ntah ate nak benti tercapai jua.. berbulan2 niat tu nak benti wujud dr lubuk hati.. Nak2 bulan terakhir, makin aku santai tak pk apa (sebab da hantar notis sebulan).. makin berlambak sales aku dapat.. hahah..  nasib lahh...

Tapi nak kata kerja ni dengan direct sales b4 this, telemarking is better.. sebab ada basic n dduk office n call jer.. tak perlu susah payah jalan sana sini cari orang...  Kalau sales bagus ada isentif n komisyen.. ada allowance lagi..  masyuk jugak..  n say bye bye to telemarketing.. pengalaman yg ajar aku kenal apa itu insurans.. dari aku jahil, jd tahu ttg insurans... Slama ni aku tak endah jer ttg insurans.. now aku tahu ada bnyk jenis n case of insurans.. even aq promote satu polisi jer.. tapi sebab byk sgt counter dgn customers itu ini, byk knowledge yg aku dapat.. Dengan pengalaman customer dgn insurans sebelum2 ni.. Jadi otak ku berkembang.. So thanks to this job.. really make me understand what the life needs. 

Btw, kerja direct sales dlu aku ikut leader aku sabtu ahad pun dia kerja.. sebab dia terlalu rajin sgt nak cari sesuap nasi.. so no cuti lahh.. hahah.. so, no wonder if me only 3 weeks jer.. Then kerja telemarketing.. 2 kali sabtu in month kena kerja.. ahad n public holiday cuti.. masa raya hari tu seminggu dirextcuti kowt.. hahah.. mana taknya ramai melayuu..  tp kena ganti lah a few days tu.. hahah.. adoii.. 

So, after aku quit.. aku terus masuk kerja as credit control assistant dgn syarikat swasta ni.. kerja handle payment client and call mana client kami x byar hutang tu.. mcm debt collector tp tak lah sngat.. kami mcm akaun tp bukan jugak.. hahah..  byk tgok email n buat collection.. kira sana sini.. fix sana sini.. ok.. aku tak dapat nak describe lebih . Tapi.  Yg penting sabtu ahad n public holiday cuti ok..  memang tak masyuk mcm telemarketer.. tp yg penting aku dapat tidur puas2 sabtu n ahad.. hahah...

So, here its 2020.. aku masih  sbg assistant ni.. dah 4 bulan lebih masih dlam probationary..  so doa2 lah aq jadi parmenant or kalau tidakpun dapat offer yg better at kerajaan ker..  stakat ni, ini  swastaadalah syarikat yg ok.. epf masuk, gaji basic up sikit even takder komisyen or elaun..  ok lah makan basic..  sabtu ahad, public holiday cuti.. bulan January banyak public holiday..hahah..

P/s: kerja demi sesuap nasi.